These last few months have been one wild ride. Two complete emotional rollercoasters on top of the one I am already riding. My family has been put through so much, it has made me realize how strong we are. Within a year's time I've had three deaths, first was Davey who I honestly still can't go a day without thinking about, then my cousin Amanda gone from us much too soon, and then my beautiful little Niece J'Lynn who decided to surprise the entire family with her presence and bind us further together with her passing. So many ups and downs, twists and turns. Most days I'm too tired to even bother about getting off, I just concentrate about holding on and not falling.
I've made steps, little by little, that feel like I'm slowly making the crazy rollercoaster ride my own design, but life is still determined to throw its own loops in of course.
I've started college, a monumental step for me, considering everything I've done in the past decade. I finally found something that I could enjoy doing for the rest of my life. And let me tell you, pulling three classes a semester, plus 40+ hours a week and trying to raise my two kiddos to the best of my ability is draining. But I'm tired of just living, just existing. Its time to live for something that is meaning full and not just counting down the hours until the end of the day while dreading the day to come.
I finally feel like I'm heading in the right direction, one of my choosing. Not a choice someone else made for me, or that someone else pressured me into, or that I pressured myself into because I "believed" it was what everyone expected of me. I know the next few years are going to be hard and I know there will be times that I will want to pull my hair out and give up, but I won't. I am my mother's daughter after all.
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